Invader Stu: Lies About The Dutch

› The Dutch consider hills to be as mythical as unicorns and fairies. They laugh at anyone with such geological beliefs.

› The Netherlands sometimes goes by the name Holland for tax reasons.

› Holland is not below sea level. The sea is above Holland level.

› Everyone in Holland is 6’5" (196 cm) tall. Any Dutch person who has not reached this height by their 21st birthday is exiled to Belgium.

› Due to a series of escalating exaggerated tourists stories, visitors to Amsterdam are often disappointed to discover that the red light district is in fact just an area with a lot of faulty traffic lights.

› Dutch music was first invented during World War II as a means of "interrogating" German spies. However, when the human rights movement put a stop to this practice, another use had to be found for it. Incidentally, this is why you will never find a German at a Frans Bauer concert.

› Frans Bauer and Jack Bauer are related.

› The Dutch government is very concerned about the over-harvesting of wind by the county’s many windmills. They foresee a real danger that this resource will run out in the next five years. This is not helped by the fact that all Dutch people live in windmills.

› The Dutch phrase "ja hoor" has caused several diplomatic incidents when English-speaking diplomats have thought Dutch diplomats were calling them names (sometimes they were).

› A lot of Dutch land has been reclaimed from the sea by pumping out the water and building fake land. This has proved very successful. However, at high tide the water still comes up to everyone’s ankles.

› Holland is so flat that someone in Friesland can wave to someone in Belgium. The Dutch are deadly jealous of any country with the smallest of mountains, hills or speed bumps.

› Even Dutch people giggle every time someone starts talking about the water "dykes."

› The word "gezellig" was successfully translated into English in 1982 but the Dutch government covered it up.

› Everyone in Holland wears clogs. The sound of thousands of people walking in wooden shoes on the city’s concrete streets is deafening.

› The wide popularity and use of bicycles in Holland can be directly linked to the song "Bicycle Race" by Queen when it became a smash hit in 1978. Bicycle sales jumped by 89 per cent and "I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like" became a national slogan.

› The Netherlands also used to have hills until they used them all to fill in the watery bits.

› Dutch windmills don’t harness wind. They create it for the rest of us.

› Queen’s Day is not the celebration of the Queen’s birthday. It’s the celebration of men who like to put on pretty dresses and wear makeup.

› The Dutch are responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. It was the building of the first early prehistoric dykes that destroyed the dinosaurs' natural environment and led to their demise. Even a recently-dead T-rex was discovered floating face down in an Amsterdam canal by a tour boat captain. The Dutch are also responsible for the extinction of mermaids, the kraken and the lost city of Atlantis.

› At the reading of a will, most Dutch people are more concerned about who inherits Grandma’s bicycle than who inherits the family fortune.

› The Dutch love it when you tell them that you visited the Netherlands but really only mean Amsterdam. Even the Dutch agree that when you have seen Amsterdam you have seen everything the country has to offer. In fact, there are plans to re-name the whole country Amsterdam.

› Elvis is alive and working at a Febo in Amsterdam.

› Tulips have become intelligent and are slowly taking over the country one field at a time.

› Everyone in Holland lives in a windmill... apart from those who don’t... who aren’t really Dutch.

› Contrary to popular belief, the Netherlands only has one canal. It’s just very long and weaves its way around the entire country in a very complex manner.

› Belgium is just a part of Holland the Dutch did not want any more.

› There are two types of Dutch people. Those who wear clogs and those who don’t. They have a bitter rivalry.

› None of the cannabis in Amsterdam is real. Tourists are getting stoned by the placebo effect.

› If you drain all the canals of Amsterdam you will find the remains of an ancient lost city (and a lot of bikes) underneath.

› Queen’s Day is the celebration of the life and work of 80s singer Freddy Mercury and his fellow band members. The whole country joins together in singing such classic songs such as "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Don’t Stop Me Now," "Fat Bottom Girls" and "I Want To Ride My Bicycle." We miss you Freddy.

› In order to comply with Dutch coffee shop regulations, Starbucks is legally obliged to sell you weed if you ask for it.

› Dutch Mayonnaise is people (so is Soylent Green?).

› The wearing of orange during important Dutch celebrations is to ward off evil spirits who are afraid of the colour. No one likes to talk about the mass disappearances of people who were foolhardy enough to forgo wear the protective colour during Queen’s Day or the European / World Cup.

› The original spelling of "Netherlands" had to be changed in 1834 when the country was almost sued for infringement of copyright law by the inhabitants of Neverland.

› The story of the little Dutch boy who put his finger in a leaking dyke to save his village is true. Sadly, they were unable to repair the dyke and he is still there today. Although now he is referred to as the OAP with his finger in the dyke.

› Every time a Dutch person visits Germany on holiday they steal a bike back.

› Due to the sheer amount of weed present in Holland, the entire country is constantly stoned from passive smoke.

› More bicycles can be found at the bottom of the Dutch canals than there can be found on the streets (this one could be true).

› The Dutch are deeply afraid of heights. Luckily their country is completely flat so this uncontrollable fear has never caused any problems.

› No matter where you go in the world, you will always bump into a Dutch family on holiday. Neil Armstrong even encountered a Dutch family (Mr and Mrs Van de Leeuwen and their two children, Jan and Frits of Breda) upon landing on the moon. However, NASA still denies this ever happened.

› The reclaiming of land from the sea is mainly down to the Dutch being very OCD.

› Dutch drop was first invented as a way of uncovering German spies during World War II. It was the uncontrollable facial expressions of shock and horror upon experiencing the extreme salty taste that identified them as not being Dutch.

› Raw herring was first served in Holland due to a miss translation in a cookbook. Since then it has become hugely popular throughout the entire country. No one has had the heart to point out the mistake to the Dutch.

› The Dutch don’t add mayonnaise to food. They add food to mayonnaise.

 

Invader Stu is an accident-prone Englishman who has been suffering from Dutch culture shock for over a decade. Enjoy his stories, more of which can be found on Invading Holland.