The consequences of having an overprotective parent

Being an overprotective parent may seem like a good thing, as you are protecting your kids after all. But is it actually good? In-Mentis Integrative Psychology talks about the consequences of being an overprotective parent.

What are overprotective parents like?

Overprotective parents are parents who worry a lot about their children. They have to supervise and know everything about what their kids are doing. That is when they feel calm and safe. If this is not happening, they can get nervous or cross.

If something bad happens to their children, they would feel guilty about it. As if they did something wrong or did not take good care of their children. Therefore, they would feel that they are not being a good parent. They think they are responsible for the lives and happiness of their children.

They are hypersensitive to whatever happens to their kids, often resulting in them having an overreaction. They are anxious parents which can lead to exhaustion, despair and the feeling of helplessness when things happen to their kids. They can end up suffering from depression.

How do overprotective parents behave?

Overprotective parents are going to prevent their kids from doing any sort of risky activity, sport or game, in case an accident happens. But they will also warn their kids about the risks and dangers of any normal activity, encouraging them to avoid doing that activity. They will tell them what they should do, how they can do it in a better way, how they shouldn’t behave etc.

Commenting on the behaviour of your kids is normal, however, the problem begins with the number of things we are commenting on and the frequency of it. Overprotective parents tend to do almost everything for their kids when they can actually do it on their own. If their kids have any initiative to do anything on their own, they will tell them off so the kid stops, avoiding any potential danger.

Perfectionists

Overprotective parents are perfectionists, they will pinpoint any imperfection or error from their kids. For them, these “mistakes” justify them stopping their kids from doing anything on their own.

They don’t respect their kids’ opinion, tastes, preferences etc., because if they are not the same as theirs, it is not perfect and, therefore, not accepted. They will also correct the way their kids talk and that can be the reason why sometimes they don’t let them talk in certain public situations or express themselves.

There is always a ¨but…¨ when it comes to what their kids do or say, as whatever they do or say is never good enough because they want them to do better. They encourage them to do things, and they want them to be independent and have a normal life, but with this "but..." or "be careful with..." the kid receives a double message and doesn't know what to do, or they start to be afraid of doing anything because there could be danger in everything.

All these behaviours can be very subtle and difficult to be aware of and identify, especially as the parent.

Consequences of having overprotective parents

All these actions from parents that are not inherently super bad can actually harm the kids in a very profound manner. Especially if the children are responsible humans. Here is what having overprotective parents can do to their children:

• Low self-concept and self-esteem: Children of overprotective parents often need supervision for anything they do because they are not going to do it properly. This will end in an “I am not good enough” feeling.
• Lack of initiative: Because they can be wrong and their actions can have bad consequences, they will no longer take the initiative on their own.
• Underdevelopment of self-care, independence and social skills when you compare them with their peers.
• Fear and anxiety of doing normal stuff and of life itself: they have learnt that the world and people are dangerous, and living a normal life can produce a lot of anxiety, stopping them from doing what other kids their age are doing.
• Lack of interest and concern about their own stuff: This is motivated by the lack of initiative, fear and the underdevelopment of skills for their age.
• People pleaser: They have been taught to think about others, and to not prioritise themselves, their thoughts, opinions or preferences. Read more about why setting boundaries is not selfish. 
• Hyper-responsibility: They feel responsible for almost everything in their world, like the happiness of others, their satisfaction and safety, and disappointing anyone is the worst thing that could happen to them.
• Not knowing who they are: Because they have always been told what to do, what to say, how to dress, how to behave, what is good or bad, they don’t know who they are. They never had the opportunity to think about what they want.
• Labelling and high expectations: They will have very high expectations of themselves. For example: “I have to”, “I should” be a good daughter / son, friend, behave this or that way, do this correctly (perfect, the rest is not good enough), etc. Leading again to a lack of initiative-taking and low self-esteem.

Anger

When the children are aware of the limitations they have, the disturbing emotions they had to go through, and that these are the result of how they have been treated by their parents, it can result in a lot of anger boiling to the surface. This can happen in their late adolescence or young adulthood, when they can compare themselves with their peers.

If you think that you are being overprotective of your kids and don’t want to harm them in this way, or if you think you are suffering from these consequences because of overprotective parents and want to overcome them, you can contact In-Mentis Integrative Psychology for help.